With renewed popularity from her hit reality show, What Chilli Wants, the self-described tomboy who once told us she “could have any man that [she] want[s] to, time or place that [she] choose[es] to” is proving that while that may be true, not just any man can have her.
The five-foot starlet is patently clear about what she doesn’t want in a man, and after sharing her now infamous “list” with the world, many skeptics believe that Chilli’s "Mr. Right" may not even exist.
So what exactly does the notoriously single singer really want?
The answer might surprise you.
Chilli, born Rozanda Thomas, learned an important lesson about relationships at a very early age. “I saw my mom in a marriage that didn’t work,” she says “and I learned that when it’s not right, it’s not right.” Her mother, whom she describes as a very strong woman, ultimately left that marriage, teaching her daughter a lesson that would forever remain with her— the importance of not settling.
“I could be alone until I’m 50 years old and that’s fine with me because I’m alone, but not lonely,” she says with a smile that sparkles almost as brightly as the Chanel diamond earrings that offset her casually upswept bun.
“So many people who are telling me ‘Oh, you need to be in a relationship,’ are so unhappy, she says emphatically. “All you have to do is look around; so many people are so unhappy in relationships. Why would I want that? Who is that for?” she pauses, “I was going to say that’s for the birds, but I don’t even wish that on the birds. Why would anybody want to be an unhealthy, unsatisfying relationship?
Beautiful, witty, and incredibly down to earth, Chilli is much more big sister than pop diva as she extols about her hard-learned lessons on the importance of loving yourself first.
“I know what it feels like to be extremely unhappy in a relationship, to lose who you are, as a person. In your twenties you’re learning about yourself and you may be afraid to just be who you are you for fear that somebody may not like it. [In your twenties] you care more about what other people think of you and you get into relationships you have no business getting into,” she recalls. “I know what that feels like, and in knowing that I will never put myself in that situation again.”
Now with almost 40 years of life and love under her belt (although she gives most 20-somethings a hard run in face and physique), it is clear that Chilli’s lessons in self love have been greatly influenced by many other dynamic women in her life.
Her “Big Momma” once warned her against being an “old fool”- a person who goes through a particular experience, but never learns anything. Chilli heeded that word of caution and applied it to her love life, as much as she did to every other aspect of becoming a whole and happy woman.
“I never want to be the old fool, and old doesn’t have a number on it. It’s less about age and more about the experiences that you’ve had. It’s something that’s familiar to you but if you’re not learning from that ill feeling, or even that great feeling of it, then that’s stupid on you. I constantly keep that in mind. I understand who I am as a woman. I embrace everything about myself and about my character. I know how God built me as a woman, and because of that I could never settle for the wrong relationship with the wrong man.”
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| Chilli talks with founding editor Kelly Smith Beaty about how she's able to be "alone, but not lonely." |
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| Chilli dishes love advice "big sister" style. In my mind, we're now BFFs and are going shopping together on Saturday! |
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| With publicist Christal Jordan Mimms of Enchantd PR, Chilli beams recalling how she came to find happiness within herself, and how now appreciating her worth will keep her from ever settling in the wrong relationship again. |
With an infectious smile, radiating self-confidence, a son whose name alone makes her eyes dance, indisputable success, fortune, fame, and fierce designer shades, it’d be hard to argue that Chilli doesn’t already have it all. But she’s quick to point out that her professional success has nothing to do with her ability to hold out for the right man. When asked about the secret to her self-happiness, she immediately responds, “Security.”
Convinced that it’s our own insecurities that cause women to pick a man just for the sake of having a man, or to try to make relationships work that we know we aren’t fulfilled in, Chilli likens women holding on to "Mr. Right Now" to infants holding on to pacifiers. “At some point, we’ve got to learn to put the pacifier down. I don’t care if you burn it, hide it, or throw it away. Do whatever you have to do to stop depending on that pacifier!,” she laughs.
And to make sure that her message does not get confused, she clarifies “It’s OK to desire a relationship. God designed us that way. But it’s the way that we go about it that we have to be mindful of. Don’t just go out there and pick a guy to have a guy. Don’t just go get someone to fill that void in your life. No one can fill that void for you until you fill it for yourself.”
So if Chilli knows all the answers and has already uncovered the secret to love and happiness, then why did she take to a nationally televised show to find a suitable mate?
“I have the show so people can see that we’re all the same. I’ve heard many women say things like, ‘Well if Chilli can’t find a man, what does that mean for me?’ It doesn’t matter what my job is or how many more people know me than the next female, we all generally have the same issues,” she says.
But not everybody gets the well-intentioned “sharing is caring” motivation behind her show. Since it originally aired in Season 1, Chilli has received a lot of criticism for being too picky, with a surprisingly great deal of the backlash coming from other women.
“For women who tell me that I’m too picky, I look at them like, ‘Baby, do you know your worth? Do you know how beautiful you are- inside and out? Do you know all the gifts that God has instilled in you?’ I honestly believe that if all women would truly learn and know and embrace all of that about themselves, then they would all be the same way too.”
It is that message, the power of owning your own self-worth, that Chilli wants to share with every woman.
“In my nightly prayer, it’s always ‘God keep my heart pure and use me all the time.’ I’m sharing my successes and my struggles in hopes that it can change somebody’s life for the better and uplift them,” she explains. “It’s a work in progress but I’m clear. I’ve been good [about recognizing my own self-worth and fully loving myself] for a few years now. I just want other people to get there- truly loving who you are-because when we get there, it’s an amazing feeling, an overwhelming feeling!”
So, again we ask, what is it that Chilli REALLY wants?
She wants each of you, to fully love, accept, and celebrate YOU!
She wants you to be your own source of happiness and fulfillment!
She wants you to put down the pacifiers and never again settle for less than you deserve!
She wants you to have What YOU Want!
Bonus Track: Ready to be “Game Proof ?”
Here are three bonus tips for keeping your life Scrubs free!
1- Become your own best friend.
Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. Go to a movie by yourself. Take yourself out to dinner. Afford yourself a chance to think a little more and not have to rely on another body being there. Once you know how to take care of you, it will be easier to recognize whether others have the ability to give you the same.
2- Learn Your Love Languages
There are many relationship books out there claiming to teach you how to think, how to act, and how to catch a man. One of Chilli’s favorite books on love, is The 5 Love Languages. This book doesn’t try to tell you how to be different, but rather how to get in touch with your authentic self. The 5 Love Languages will reveal how you personally interpret love, which will better help you find a mate who speaks your language!
3- Know When to Go
If you find yourself saying, “I really like him, BUT…” it’s time to stop the clock on a dead-end relationship. Whatever follows the conjunction “but” in that statement is what you are really looking for, and judging by your statement, he’s not it. It’s not his fault that he’s not the man of your dreams, because he is perfect for someone, just not you. Leave while you are still in like, because although it may hurt a little in the beginning, it will pale in comparison to the pain you’ll face a lifetime later when you’re finally ready to accept that he’s STILL not the man for you.
Watch What Chilli Wants, Sunday nights at 9 PM, EST on VH-1!
Love life…every SINGLE moment of it.
-xoxo
