Well, it's Monday (sad face!) but more than that it's the first day of our new feature Movin' On Mondays (excited face!).
As we've shared with you, our mission at the Salon is to empower and uplift single women everywhere, and part of that is helping some of our newly single ladies transition into full singlelista status.
We know it's hard to celebrate being single when you're still mourning over the loss of your other half. Break-ups hurt (Don't I know it!?! Remind me to tell you of the time I locked myself in the basement of my parents' house in the dead of winter with no heat on, while playing Etta James "I'd Rather Go Blind" on repeat. On second thought, let's just say it wasn't pretty and move on. Ahem...) so we're dedicating Mondays to helping would-be-singlelistas push past the pain and enter into full out fabulousness!
Today we're helping one reader check out of Heartbreak Hotel and into The Singles' Salon. An excerpt of what she wrote us is below:
"I just don't know what to do."
"...I've been in this relationship for 11 years now and for the past five I've watched it deteriorate to almost nothing.
We don't really talk anymore and we fight more than we get along because I believe he's doing things that my boyfriend shouldn't be doing. I've never really CAUGHT him cheating, but I know enough to know that things aren't on the straight and narrow with him.
We used to do almost everything together, but now it's as though we lead two completely separate lives. In my head I know I'm holding on to what we used to have, because I would have never signed up for this B.S. that we have now. My heart isn't quite ready to let go though because I really and truly do love him.
I can't believe I'm even writing this letter, but I can't talk to my friends about it anymore because they don't like him and I already know what they're going to say. I just don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go? I just want to be happy. I used to be happy with him. Now I just don't know anymore."
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Oh, doll! My heart is breaking just reading your letter because it's a feeling I know all too well. The question of when to call it quits is so personal that I unfortunately can't give you a static timeline that tells you exactly what point you need to wave the white flag, as much as I wish I could.
I can tell you this with complete confidence though, you should not be alone in your relationship. One of the biggest complaints women who are not in relationships have is that we get tired of being alone. What many of us forget though is that we have the freedom of choice in that matter. No, we may not be able to speed dial the man of our dreams on command, but there usually is somebody we can call if we really just want company for the moment. (Don't judge me. Even Broadway has stand-ins for its leading men!)
The problem with being in a two-some where the other person has seemingly gone awol is that even in your loneliest hour, you no longer have the freedom of calling up your stand-in.
I'm not going to tell you to whether or not to leave your relationship, because that's a call that only you can make. I do however want to address the last line of your letter. My strong advice is Don't chase a relationship, chase happiness.
When we place our relationships as the most important priority in our lives, if we don't choose well we usually wind up sacrificing our own happiness. When we put our happiness first, we often sacrifice bad relationships. Once you learn to love you first, it will be much easier to gauge your partner's love (or lack there-of) for you.
Finally, with absolutely no judgement attached, I want to point out that the fact that he is still your boyfriend after 11 years may be very telling. It's also worth noting that many times when our friends, those who truly love us, don't approve of our partners there's usually a really good reason for that.
It is true that love is blind, but let the pursuit of your own happiness be your eyes. You have the power to mend your own broken heart, and it sounds like you've got a strong circle of friends to help support you through it.
We at the Salon are sending you a Singlelista Survival Kit, filled with goodies to help you reconnect with your fabulousness. We are also sentencing you to a fab Singlelistas Night Out so that you and your friends can celebrate everything that is wonderful and worthy about you!
Thanks so much for sharing this with us, and please keep us posted as you make your decision. Just remember that "learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all!"
Whitney Houston - Greatest Love Of All
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Love life...every SINGLE moment of it!
-xoxo
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Do you or someone you know need help checking out of Heartbreak Hotel? Email us at singlelistas@gmail.com and tell us about it. Enter the subject line Movin' On Mondays so that we make your letter a priority.
If you've got additional advice, thoughts, or feedback for our distressed diva, please offer your comments below.
Remember, we're in this single life together!
